Café Corporate

Anonymous Office - New York, NY
Price: Cheap Eats
Rating (1-10): 2

The Case Against Eating Local
There are actually quite a few eateries in the city that are a stressful experience. They're those places where you just tolerate the bad part, because the food is just that good. But I can't think of that many food establishments where there is the stress, and sometimes aggravation, but no real payoff to make it remotely worth it, ever. The line at Katz's is a zoo but the pastrami is about as good as it gets; the Spotted Pig requires a comically crowded wait, but for good reason; Lucali's regularly has a crowd huddled just outside the door in eager, prolonged anticipation of some of the city's best pizza. And at Café Corporate, the cafeteria in my office building run by Aramark, you circle the cafeteria several times wracking your brain for some kind of combination of food that might bear resemblance to something that is appetizing - and you either walk out with nothing, as I often do, or begrudgingly file into line at the register with some matter to put into your stomach.

With descriptions like "wild mushroom consommé," "Lasagna Bianco," or "Risotto with Edamame and Mushroom," Café Corporate might arouse false hope in the unwitting customer…only for him/her to find that the mushroom consommé is standard cloudy mushroom soup, the lasagna is now just penne with bad red sauce, and the risotto is a neon yellow mush with no trace of either vegetable. One can't really be upset with Café Corporate for shooting high. I think they mean well. But by simplifying the menu, focusing on less ingredients and doing more straightforward dishes, the end result would likely be better and we would avoid horribly failed attempts at creating something that is more fitting for the menu at a Harry's or some other slightly upscale place. In part, this is a matter of knowing your clientele: the customers aren't expecting or looking for fancy NYC food. They're looking for something satisfying, and hopefully healthy (but that’s just a plus). That's why Zigolini's is such a hit - simple sandwiches with decent ingredients and maybe a small twist. There's no reason Café Corporate can't pull that off: They have a monopoly on lunch space in the above-ground floors of a massive office building housing a customer base with deep pockets - just about the easiest set up imaginable in the industry. But the execution is not there.

Like many lunch cafeterias, there are stations throughout the room to chose from, each serving something different and terrible, in their own ways. The sandwiches can sometimes be ok but mostly tend to be dry and boring. Almost every sandwich on "feature" is put in the panini press, including a chicken caesar salad wrap which turns into a hot wilted green mess. The hot and cold counters of prepared foods are usually laughable, and it's not uncommon to see friends pointing at the food and laughing like it's a joke. Their meat selections often sit in a pool of orange grease - not only is that gross, it's a fairly surprising lack of effort / act of negligence. When there is something good at these counters - and sometimes the cold salads such as the antipasti do look good - you will find the stuff is overpriced. Today, three spoonfuls of a soggy, withered corn salad cost $2.81. Potatoes - not exactly a luxury item - are always unreasonably expensive due to their weight, making this starch the most profitable line of business at this financial institution. A full lunch for me from the hot/cold counters will cost a minimum of $8.
I have kept a minimum five foot radius from the grill station where they display raw tuna the color of sidewalk pavement, as well as marinating salmon or flank steak, which thankfully don’t look as bad. The best things tend to be the things that you have some agency over - make your own sandwich, make your own salad, make your own fruit cup, etc. The soup and salad station is basic and may be the best item because at least it's healthy, even if boring. The Premium saltine crackers are excellent. Again - simple is better for Café Corporate. With the salad, be sure to get your dressing on the side or ask to limit the quantity - or else your lunch might be more like dressing with a side of salad.

Breakfast can be ok if you're in the mood for an average bagel or toast. However, the process of toasting requires dealing with the most annoying, inefficient toaster of all time. A simple household toaster would be far better than the conveyer belt mess that merely warms whatever you put in it, unless you put it through thrice. The eggs and omelets are passable usually but it won't really surpass that. To be fair, eggs are very difficult to cook well, and good short-order cooks are wizards. Café Corporate cooks are slow and just don't have the training to do what pros do in the delis of New York. For example, my order of two eggs over easy with salt, pepper, and parmesan cheese proved to be outside the scope of the cook's skills. Immediately after cracking the egg on the skillet, the cook sprinkled cheese on the raw egg and then asked another cook what over easy was. The effort failed. It's not their fault but they need better training - that's on Aramark.

What's aggravating and perplexing to me is that the best items are consistently eliminated. The rotisserie chicken was the best item in Café Corporate: well-seasoned with crispy skin and juicy meat, usually. The buffalo chicken panini was really good for lunch and something I looked forward to with a pickle on the side. Their BBQ chicken panini wasn’t bad either. Indian food Thursdays (catered from another place) had become a ritual for me before they took it away. What a great idea and it was actually good, if greasy, Indian food. All these things: gone. Maybe they weren't economically feasible - but then again, it's hard to imagine enough people buying the other stuff in the hot food station to make those things profitable.

The service is generally friendly at Café Corporate and the people manning the registers are, for the most part, pleasant as you walk out. Even if you get the occasional scowl, more often than that, you get a nice greeting and friendly attitude; besides, you can't expect people to be super happy friendly everyday working in a subpar eating establishment. The only complaint is that on occasion I've noticed varying prices for the same product. Prices should fluctuate in the stock market but not in Café Corporate. Regardless, the disgruntlement results not so much from person to person interaction but rather the prospect of eating what's on display.

The highlight of Café Corporate - and perhaps the highlight of my day - is the musical medley that imparts feelings of joy and fulfillment that the food does not. It's unclear who the mastermind behind the tunes is but I dare say he/she borders on musical genius. Who knew I'd like Eiffel 65's "Blue" along with breakfast? A remake of "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper? I didn’t even know that existed! I'm not being sarcastic - the music actually appeals to my peculiar penchant for random throwbacks and remakes of out-of-date songs. I could make a better omelet than Café Corporate but I couldn’t make a better mixtape.

Music aside, one thing you have to tip your hat to is Café Corporate's consistency. Monday thru Friday, it will not be good. At the end of the day, there are no surprises, so I'm the idiot for going back. It's not like they're pulling some kind of crazy bait and switch on me. As they say, "Fool me once…" In the end, recommendation to you: go downstairs, get a breath of fresh air and something that will make you happy about eating. Recommendation to Café Corporate: keep the soup station; add several different types of panini to the sandwich station; bring back rotisserie chicken; add simple pasta station and baked pastas; create customized grilled chicken and burger station; create fresh vegetarian food platter station (cous cous, grilled and steamed vegetables, lentil/bean dishes, etc.); add brick pizza oven; add better salad dressings; add soft serve station; don't put raw meat out; don't put everything in the panini maker; ditch the rest.

Note: The name of this eating establishment has been changed for anonymity's sake.